Adieu, adieu to you and you and you . . .

Tripping (lit) through the sandy shores of The South
Originally uploaded by Yukata Me.

Tomorrow is my last day in Adelaide before I race back to Japan before my VISA expires and I don't have time to get it extended properly . . . Still I think it was worth going to Tokyo rather than waiting around to get the stupid thing before I came back! What's life for, hey ?!

I feel rather apprehensive about heading back really. I am feeling greatly relieved to be able to leave A-town behind again because right now, as I am sure most of you know, it's not an easy place for me to be. However, the emotions are not all positive.

When I was leaving last year it was with a great about of excitement and feeling of optimism about the potentials unfolding before me. This was tainted by the sadness that I felt at leaving those for whom I cared most and was most afraid to lose. Now the worst has and continues to occur and nothing much but time is ever likely to make any difference. As I prepare (or more correctly, don't even bother much to do so) this time I feel strangely ill at ease. I know I am far more capable of dealing with issues of language, etc and I feel comfortable in the knowledge that I will be safely and relatively efficiently able to leap hurdles that I may encounter, but this time as I leave I feel like all of the old parameters have fallen away and it's really scary.

I don't know about the old adage of the world being one's oyster and all feeling so brilliant. Right now, as I consider what seems to be a galaxy of choices and shining possibilities I just feel like I've lucked out and contracted food-poisoning. Shellfish!

I don't know whether I will feel okay about coming back to A-town in another 6 months. Many I still won't be able to cope with all of the pain. It all still looks so much the same yet things really are so different. How will it be when I return next ? How will I be ? Who will I be ? Will I have started to hate Japan by then ? Will I have finally found a direction; some motivation ?

One year ago I left my hometown for an extended stint living overseas to study a language that I had nearly forgotten in a country I had never visited. I didn't forsee many of the outcomes of this rather radical move but I don't know that I could have done much differently. I needed to leave then for the sake of my sanity. Years of rather unrewarding study in a field I seemed destined never to succeed as I would wish had taken their toll on my health and happiness and despite the many wonderful people in my life I just had to go and see if I couldn't prove to myself that I could do something a little more amazing with my life than flounder into oblivion, relegated to the status of just one of the crowd . . . a frustrated pseudo-epicure who was gradually becoming more and more mediocre.

I don't think that I can question the wisdom of leaving. Though I start to cry as I consider how miserable I have been for the greater part of the past four months I still can't say that if I could go back I would. I have never been through such a difficult time in my life. Maybe this sounds pretty self-indulgent when you consider all of the suffering in the world, but hey . . this is my pain (one can only empathize so much) and it's sure the worst I have ever felt for a consistently long period. I have never felt so sad or directionless; never cried so much . . . not even when, as a kid, I used to lie in bed at night and allow the deep-seated fears about my Nanna dying to take hold and run riot until I was weeping in uncontrollable fear at the thought of how grief-stricken I would feel should the inevitable happen all too soon. (NB My Nan lives on, maintaining her life at a decent standard whilst living alone in the house where she single-handedly raised her six children)

I am scared, not thrilled by the boundlessness of what I see as my future. I feel like I want to escape it, but equally fear to stay here and continue to superficially inhabit the space I have been lent over the past month. Familiar, yet not so. A mish-mash of things collected over 25 years of life that now seem very distant . . . being relegated to a single bed and once-familiar room of bits and pieces that seem like remnants from the life of an old friend who has mysteriously vanished and left me in their place. Surrounded by things that have sat alone so long that they now seem to have lost their value. Things that were prized by another whose priorities and passions feel so disperate to my own as seem alien. Like when shoes go unpolished so that one day when it is said that they are no longer of the fashion, because there is no evidence that they were ever cherished suddenly the only measure of value being applied is the cold trend machine. No sentiment to soften the blow. Just a sense of impatience for space-consuming, cumbersome stuff . . junk.

There have been some great moments back in A-town. Instances when I have been reminded of why, in February, I suddenly felt such a desire to return.

On a more positive note . . .
Thank you so much to all of the people who have helped me so much during this month visit back here. Hanging out with you all has been the making of my trip back. A-town is nothing without the wonderful peeps in it! (Just a whole lot of lovely weather, pretty parklands, bicycle tracks and pubs and churchs . . hey . . that doesn't sound so bad . . but I'd sure miss you all and doubt I'd enjoy it half so much . . a quarter as much without you!)
To name a few, and certainly not all . . .

Aliese (no one could ever not deserve a better friend more and be soooo thankful to have been so lucky!)
Sarah (late-night sessions and so many hugs)
Wizard
SareB
Beenz
Pooj
Midge & Da
Phili
Jess Jess (You rock my world Lady Lady!)
Geets
Ry
Andrew & Sam
Karinski
Court
Peach & James
Marni (the perfect dance partner!)
Denni
Michelle and Catherine (for Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit excellentness . . yes! It truly does exist and I am now the biggest and happiest nerd in the world! Finally! A chance to prove my brilliance in the field where it matters most!)

Thanks also/again to all of those lovely peeps who braved bogan spores and a smattering of rain at late notice to come and have a farewell drink or ten with me last night.

So long and thanks for all the fish!