So many things in my brain they are falling out . . .
. . . the things that is, not my brain(s).
Yesterday it hit home with force that there are things I will never be or do.
An Amercian lady, Janet, that I spent a bit of time hanging out in Seoul with said something like that during one of our D&Ms. She looked at what I was achieving studying in Japan but could easily say 'yes, if I'd done such a thing that might have been good, but it's all too late for that now - let's do things that I can'.
Now I know that it may seem stupid to be thinking in this manner at the relatively tender age of 25 (depends on who and how old you are as to your opinion on this!!) but I realise that I will never be a Rhodes Scholar - not that I necessarily wanted to be or anything - but it's just one of the doors closing. Hmmm . . funny that I'm looking at it this way when so often I feel that there are too many choices and I wish that things were simpler.
It's weird to think that this is it! It's all winding up~ all too soon my time here will be up and this timeslip of a life will be over and as Geets says 'I'll have to return to real life and be an adult'.
Two and a bit months left of this and then what? I hardly feel more sure than when I left, if I don't in fact feel worse. I came away to find a direction. I knew that being in Japan would tell me on way or another about the potential of following Japanese further . . for the fun of it, for the possibility I could find a job working with languages and not just end up just another girl who went to the Con, then realised music wasn't much of a rewarding way to make a living and wandered off the path. That life was so hard on so many levels and in some ways it's a relief but then I still dream, get sad and wonder about the potential that remains down that path. I was heartbreaking to see that dream fall apart and I was devastated when it dawned on me in a hotel in Kyoto that in all probability I had made a choice to walk away from any future in that area without even realising. At the time leaving Adelaide felt like something that I had to do, not something that I could really choose. Well, I got an answer in Japan and as it turned out it opened up a whole can of worms (world of possibilities depending on one's mood). It didn't seem to proved more focus, just a new set of complications. I ended up losing what I thought was the most relationship I had. Sometimes it feels like a rock and a hard place. I've simply exchanged one form of hardship and dissatisfaction for another and I'm not sure that I've got the better end out of the bargain.
But I can't change what I did and I wouldn't.
I just can't see the way forward yet either.
Beenz is coming to Japan and that's soooo totally excelllllent! It will be good to do stuff together again, but also for the first time. You know how as kids you don't click but then with time, age and space somehow you realise that a person who was there all the time and that you took for granted or wished would go away and stop being pesky turns out to be one of the most important people whom you feel you almost wouldn't cope without. So in one way it's just a resumption of time with said person but conversly the relationship is all different and you've know way of quite knowing for sure but you think it'll be really good and altered from now on.
チュー！ リーニーが大好き！ 。(＾～＾) 。
Tomorrow is the 21st of the lovely Jess Jess of BD fame. I wish I could be there to be celebrate but am instead am sending you lots of ether hugs and maybe a parcel when I find the time out of exam prep! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY!! You're such a brilliant gal and really important friend to me. <～[^~^]～>
This morning was very hot like yesterday but almost worst. Sooooo humid and now that the rainy season seems to have miraculously lifted (Oh Japan! and Japanese sometimes things that people say and think here really make you want to pat them on the head or give them a cuddle because they just seemly innocently ridicuous!) Kumichan told me the other day that 梅雨 tsuyu (the rainy season) was going to 'lift' on Wednesday - apparently according to the weather forecast. While I must admit that Japan's weather is very changeable and works in a different way entirely from the south of our Great Southern Land, but the quaintness of people's belief in the weatehr forecasts is so endearing. As a token of my faith in such things as developed in Auslandia I never listen here either - and then I wonder why everyone is carrying umbrellas on the train (>.<)~?
But now the sky has clouded over and as I arrived at school to do some study and meet up with Yoko it was rather cooler than earlier - well, we are in the mountains but still . . . the weather is quite a fascinating creature.
(In an update - it did rain!!)
Monday is 海の日 Ocean Day can't imagine I'd brave a Japanese beach again after yesterday! Uggghh! 汚い！！
What else did I think to say ?
There are stories, photos and video photage of my birthday remaining.
There is the story of the Deer and Curry.
Exams are coming up.
Oh must dash!
Yesterday it hit home with force that there are things I will never be or do.
An Amercian lady, Janet, that I spent a bit of time hanging out in Seoul with said something like that during one of our D&Ms. She looked at what I was achieving studying in Japan but could easily say 'yes, if I'd done such a thing that might have been good, but it's all too late for that now - let's do things that I can'.
Now I know that it may seem stupid to be thinking in this manner at the relatively tender age of 25 (depends on who and how old you are as to your opinion on this!!) but I realise that I will never be a Rhodes Scholar - not that I necessarily wanted to be or anything - but it's just one of the doors closing. Hmmm . . funny that I'm looking at it this way when so often I feel that there are too many choices and I wish that things were simpler.
It's weird to think that this is it! It's all winding up~ all too soon my time here will be up and this timeslip of a life will be over and as Geets says 'I'll have to return to real life and be an adult'.
Two and a bit months left of this and then what? I hardly feel more sure than when I left, if I don't in fact feel worse. I came away to find a direction. I knew that being in Japan would tell me on way or another about the potential of following Japanese further . . for the fun of it, for the possibility I could find a job working with languages and not just end up just another girl who went to the Con, then realised music wasn't much of a rewarding way to make a living and wandered off the path. That life was so hard on so many levels and in some ways it's a relief but then I still dream, get sad and wonder about the potential that remains down that path. I was heartbreaking to see that dream fall apart and I was devastated when it dawned on me in a hotel in Kyoto that in all probability I had made a choice to walk away from any future in that area without even realising. At the time leaving Adelaide felt like something that I had to do, not something that I could really choose. Well, I got an answer in Japan and as it turned out it opened up a whole can of worms (world of possibilities depending on one's mood). It didn't seem to proved more focus, just a new set of complications. I ended up losing what I thought was the most relationship I had. Sometimes it feels like a rock and a hard place. I've simply exchanged one form of hardship and dissatisfaction for another and I'm not sure that I've got the better end out of the bargain.
But I can't change what I did and I wouldn't.
I just can't see the way forward yet either.
Beenz is coming to Japan and that's soooo totally excelllllent! It will be good to do stuff together again, but also for the first time. You know how as kids you don't click but then with time, age and space somehow you realise that a person who was there all the time and that you took for granted or wished would go away and stop being pesky turns out to be one of the most important people whom you feel you almost wouldn't cope without. So in one way it's just a resumption of time with said person but conversly the relationship is all different and you've know way of quite knowing for sure but you think it'll be really good and altered from now on.
チュー！ リーニーが大好き！ 。(＾～＾) 。
Tomorrow is the 21st of the lovely Jess Jess of BD fame. I wish I could be there to be celebrate but am instead am sending you lots of ether hugs and maybe a parcel when I find the time out of exam prep! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY!! You're such a brilliant gal and really important friend to me. <～[^~^]～>
This morning was very hot like yesterday but almost worst. Sooooo humid and now that the rainy season seems to have miraculously lifted (Oh Japan! and Japanese sometimes things that people say and think here really make you want to pat them on the head or give them a cuddle because they just seemly innocently ridicuous!) Kumichan told me the other day that 梅雨 tsuyu (the rainy season) was going to 'lift' on Wednesday - apparently according to the weather forecast. While I must admit that Japan's weather is very changeable and works in a different way entirely from the south of our Great Southern Land, but the quaintness of people's belief in the weatehr forecasts is so endearing. As a token of my faith in such things as developed in Auslandia I never listen here either - and then I wonder why everyone is carrying umbrellas on the train (>.<)~?
But now the sky has clouded over and as I arrived at school to do some study and meet up with Yoko it was rather cooler than earlier - well, we are in the mountains but still . . . the weather is quite a fascinating creature.
(In an update - it did rain!!)
Monday is 海の日 Ocean Day can't imagine I'd brave a Japanese beach again after yesterday! Uggghh! 汚い！！
What else did I think to say ?
There are stories, photos and video photage of my birthday remaining.
There is the story of the Deer and Curry.
Exams are coming up.
Oh must dash!
posted by Eleanora Martinez at 12:02 PM
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