Today, even with the sleep deprivation and soreness from the Fuji climb and long bus trips, capped off by the last two trains home being stopped due to an accident on the track . . . I dragged myself with surprisingly speed off to an afternoon of wonderful weather at the beach. Which itself was capped off with a great makeshift BBQ out the front of Keinan's place, up a hill overlooking the sea and city lights.

Damn - why won't the insert image option work ??? I used it the other day to post one up . . . It was an amazing and unexpected find that I was sure would revolutionise my blogging by allowing to post post post photos to my heart's content.

Isn't it crazy the way life can feel so up and down. It's been back to the emotional rollercoaster for me for the past week. I don't like it too much. Somehow I've become a crier. Not sure when it happened . . well, actually I could probably do a pretty good job of pointing it - around that time when tears seemed to flow rather unceasingly for about 3 months . . that might be it, hey! (笑) Looking on at the hurt of others and being reminded of my own that won't go away no matter how busy I try to be, listening to music, getting reprimands for lack of communication, forgetting things that I said I'd do . . .

Bugs seem to be suiciding against the glass doors out to the balcony. I should be asleep because tomorrow I have to be out early to go to an Onsen with Kyoko. But I've just finished a batch of washing from Fuji and swimming today and I also downloaded photos and got inspired to write . . well at least post photos - damn technology and my limited understanding of it!

But I did find a button for changing the colour of my text!! Whoopeee . . . There's an actress one doesn't hear much from these days . . .

Speaking of buttons - today I dropped one and then I found it again many hours later and having been far away from said button - It seemed kind of special that I could come back and there it was - like it had been waiting for me. Special little button.

This is a rather blabbery post . . . there are things that I want to say to certain people - gee things can get messy and complicated and ugly. Things that ought to be said . . if only they could ever be said face to face. But I think that as they can't they should at least be sent out in a more private forum than this. I am fairly sure that for all of my dreams (笑) of fame via my popular popular blog, it's really only read by a few people who know me relatively well. I've been hurt a lot in my life ~ that might sound dramatic, it's not as though I'm a victim of abuse or anything, I really only mean that I take people pretty seriously and ever since I was little I've been super sensitive and been emotional hurt a lot ~ this tends to mean that I can have an angry front and though I may spit and fire from time to time this is from fear of getting hurt and wanting to be perfect like I know I never will be, so that I'll finally be invincible. . . . Hmmm . . thoughts are wandering and I'm not sure this will make sense when people read it or why it's all coming out now. I suppose I want to reach out to the people who I know are really hurting now but I don't like to air these things in public - it's that protective thing. Maybe it seems that I do say a lot in this blog . . and I do. But there are things that I think will never get in here. A pity in a way because this has become an fairly constant documentation of my life as it has been happening for the past year and a bit. It has actually changed my life in some ways . . . started interests and concerns in areas that were previously blanks. It's not that I don't trust my lovely reading audience. A lot of the things that I am refering to are things that were few people know. And as one special friend once said 'all these written things - these words - are play; a way that we present ourselves - a whole lot of it is persona' or something to that effect. We all know it and use - at different times for different purposes and it had amazing and varied effects - like a new and separate being - a little white lie of yourself. Like one of those mirrors in a magic mirror maze that show aspects of you all out of proportion . . . a different you - sometimes more and at other times less, appealing. What was the point - this is getting unpleasently introspective . . . .

Point . . perhaps. That I should be writing emails to a number of important people rather than waffling on here! But I have to find the strength to overcome a lot of sadness in order to try to help others. Or maybe by just trying to talk to them eventually I'll come right.

Tonight I got a lovely email as I was coming home on the train from Keinan's . . . . it was simple but surprising and had me tears - how unusual! Still means a lot!
If you can't read it, go learn Japanese! (Or ask me sometime in a more private forum! (笑))

It's probably more kind than I deserve from a person who has been very good to me with little in return. If only I could give more . . . Life is a backward place sometimes . . . times, people and places.

“好きな彼氏と別れて辛いと思うけど、母国に帰っても楽しい毎日を送るように～”

Now I should be off . . . photo or no photo as the case is unfortunately!

It's 2am yet again . . . .

BTW - Angela Aki - turning into a big fan of her's.

I have republished - and I love technology again